New Year, New-sletter
(I sent this out at 11:11 am on 01.01.23. Make a wish.)
1st of January, Twenty Twenty-Three, 11:11 AM
I will start off with an apology for wtv the hell this title is. It makes me giggle like the hyenas in lion king for some reason Caz reminder that I am not plotting to kill animated lions and/or give their babies daddy issues.
That said, hello. We may know each other or not or think we know each other but don't, and vice versa. But that's not of much relevance here. What's important is that you found your way to me and whatever this shit is somehow. And for that, I am glad.
I don't do well with any of this new years bullshit. This might be because I have an affinity for starting things, but I rarely see myself finishing any. Case in point, the graveyard of my motivation, where lie my 46577989 hobbies. Unfortunately, consistency is not a word I am very well versed with, so this, **gestures everywhere vaguely** is a challenge. This newsletter is supposed to be a monthly thing. I don't know if I have it in me to get past the four-month mark, but we'll see. I don't mind losing, but I deem myself my only capable nemesis, and losing to myself is not an option.
I call this tanashahi, directed at my mind's authority over me that I consider a whole-ass tyranny. It's also wordplay at my nickname made by my father when I refused to give up the TV remote as a kid. Power rangers >>> News. Through this newsletter, I hope to find something to call mine again. As I test the waters in life and decide where to dive and where to not.
~
I'm in my late twenties realising just how much I think, or overthink shall I say. it's not always pretty and not always productive but it's entertaining in my head sometimes. However, often a situation arises where I shouldn't be left alone with my thoughts cuz it makes me spiral into some stressful shithole and nobody wants to be there obviously. As an undergraduate student, I used to find a way out of my head through other creative outlets like shitposting on Instagram and creating/consuming varying forms of art.
In the past few years, I’ve been through a lot of shit that almostkindasorta ruined me, and I almostkindasorta let it, keyword- almost. But my mother raised no quitter. Nope, she raised a stubborn perfectionist hyper independent lil shit with a thing for pretty kpop bois. So at some point, I got my head out of my ass and told myself what I unconsciously thought about every toxic BFF I’ve ever had - Get therapy I can fix you. My journey from Wreck it Ralph to Fix it Felix is a story for another time, another newsletter. For now, I am proud of having gotten a lot of my ducks in order, colour-coded and organised by height. And I have spent most of 2022 learning how to adult. The real world however has left me no time for art, and social media is something I find exceptionally draining to take part in. I am too old for romanticising every other clusterfuck happening to me or the world. And I have absolutely no patience for people and putting up appearances. Twenty-two yr old me may have thought that my micro-managed, aesthetic, colour-coded Instagram feed Instagram, would make me feel whole, but no more. I feel 80 yrs old already. I just want peace and quiet and pets and a bunch of BTS albums and members if the universe lets me.
So here I am, young but not too young, old but not too old, experienced but not experienced enough, new but not naive, naive but not oblivious. In Hindi, there’s a word for it, मझधार /majhdhaar. It refers to being stuck midstream, naa idhar ka naa udhar ka - neither here nor there. I feel like I am stuck midstream, but the water is stagnant, and I can go nowhere unless I row my ass out of this river. The catch is I am supposed to row forward, but I have been stuck in the middle for so long; I sometimes forget which way I came from and which way I am supposed to move on to. I have so many storms brewing in me, and I don’t know where to direct them. I don’t know where the eye of the storm lies within me or outside. I know not to get stuck in the past, but what do I do when my feet get tangled up in its murky waters? Ugh. I usually watch edits of some pretty kpop dude smiling or something and distract myself, but there have been times when it doesn’t do shit. My mind is a whole-ass fascist enterprising on the rise when I’m not doing my absolute best with girl bossing, gatekeeping and gaslighting. Hence why I call its rule tanashahi aka dictatorship. That’s why I’m here, aggressively typing random crap and changing topics every paragraph, cause that’s what it’s like trying to find my way through the world.
But despite all this, I have always been a realist. When the wind gets too strong, I do not hope for it to calm down. I adjust the sails until they suit me, but I’m short so obviously, it takes me a while to get a ladder up on a boat that’s rocking back and forth over this river. ( I literally don’t know shit about sailing, and I have no fkn idea if they’ve got ladders on boats, but you get the gist. ) Anyway, the moral of the story is being short is very inconvenient, and I will not remain a mess forever. So here’s to me and you. To us, as another year begins and we make a bunch of fake-ass resolutions to keep up. If you’re still reading, I have a proposition for you. This year, will you be my valentine get your shit together with me? We can’t be alive just to go through shit and die, that’s pathetic as hell and I refuse to accept it. Our definition of happiness or greatness may differ but the end goal is the same. So let’s find joy in little things and baby steps and hot kpop dudes who don’t know we exist, and evolve into an upgraded version of ourselves. If those pokemon can do it, I’m sure we can.
All the good things.
XOXO Gossip Girl A
~
PS. A certain lil plant's own newsletter inspired me to make my own as a space for my mind to inhale so it stops breathing down my neck all the bloody while and making tanashahi helped me a lot through the last month of the previous year and that's pretty cool.
PPS. Here are some things that have been on my mind while I type this damn newsletter and aggressively edit it on time because I'm just a sappy nerd with only memories of a bustling social life.
13430 by BTS
I’m just orbiting you. I missed you, I lost you.
I’m just going in circles. You erased me, You forgot me.
Instagram by Dean
Lonely, lonely, so lonely
Are things always this hard?
No way, no way, in this feed
People are living in a different world from me
I'm useless, posting these pictures
But no one knows my hidden feelings behind them
I'm wandering again inside Instagram
Stay Alive By Jungkook
Just smile like you always do
You resemble me so much
I resemble you so much
At times, I get scared for no reason
Why am I feeling like this?
Forg_tful by RM ft. Kim Sawol
Do you remember the smell of grass when you were young?
It will be quite new
Yes, just forget about it
Everyone here is a fool
No. 2 by RM ft. Park Ji Yoon
My balloon filled with myself, explode
After it exploded, I knew it was empty inside
I asked endlessly, can it just flow?
Can I belong where I don't want to?
